This morning I finished the first draft of a Varuna application for my non-fiction book. I felt pleased with myself when I pressed save, as though I’d accomplished something with my morning. But then I thought how funny that was, because I didn’t spend long on it today. Maybe just an hour. Whereas on other days I’ve worked for hours and not felt a sense of accomplishment. Even though that was when I did the hardest work, laying down the tracks for today’s final sprint.
So it’s only the completion that I allow to give me the feeling of a job well done,and not the time spent working, thinking, musing, reading revising, checking, dreaming that goes into the final product. Mm. How odd. How wrong of me. Maybe that’s also why I sometimes rush through a draft when it’s nowhere near ready. So I can give myself the cheap thrill of seeing something completed. I wonder if I could change that attitude of mine and how.